Supported and surrounded by both our mothers, as they wheeled our son by me in his incubator for one quick touch of his foot (the only touch I would ever have feeling my living son), one small whisper of, "fight baby, fight" and "I love you," all I could do was have faith and trust in the skills of medical professionals and the God whom I believe wholeheartedly in. For the next couple hours I prayed like I have never prayed before. I learned some hard lessons that day. Lessons I thought I had already learned through other life altering experiences, but this time was different. Our prayers are not always answered in the way we wish. As my dear, sweet Adam shared the devastating news that our son did not survive surgery, just as I was literally pumping what I thought would be life-giving nutrients to our son, I knew my life would never be the same. Isn't it like that? Our lives are what they were before our child(ren) died, and what they are afterwards.
For eight long days following I laid in that hospital. Emotionally I was drained. Mentally I was very, very sick and because I had completely given up, my body was too. Physically, things were happening to me that were serious and until I could see the light I did not get better. I'm not exactly certain what happened but after several days I finally realized that the doctors could not repair my heart as they did my belly. I had to do that. I had to figure it out. I had to find real hope.
We found ways to commemorate our boys, one of the first being officially married on their due date, May 5, 2007. Again, we loaded up family and friends, rented a big house on Maui, and officially united our family on gorgeous Maluaka Beach in Makena, Maui, Hawaii.
We have since added two very sweet, albeit feisty rainbows (a rainbow baby is the term used to describe the baby following loss) to our family. I have found many ways to serve others as my continued road to healing. I have served in both religious and community efforts, one of them serving as the PTA President at our local elementary school for one, very long and busy year. In 2012 I trained and began volunteering with Share. I have found so much healing and love and beauty by volunteering with this organization. Although this is not typical, in my first year volunteering with Share I put over 2,500 miles on my car and approximately 300 hours of service, doing hospital and support visits with families who have experienced the loss of their babies.
For the next few months I have asked our new Vice President-Jaymie Maines, Secretary-Heidi Files, and Treasurer-Adam Green, to each take a month and introduce themselves to you as I have done. Because of donated Delta airlines miles from coaches (Tuiaki & Sitake) from both the University of Utah and BYU (see how non-denominational we are), and our recent hard-working fundraising efforts, Jaymie and I have been given the opportunity to travel to St. Louis, MO, where the National Share headquarters is and participate in very intensive training. It is our understanding that no one from our Share chapter has been in attendance for many years. We are looking forward to using what we learn to continue to improve Share Parents of Utah. We will continue to update our website, Facebook and Twitter pages with information that will hopefully help you. You are not alone! We invite you to check back often, come to our twice monthly support meetings, sewing days, impromptu zoo days, our annual Walk in October and Valentine's Gala, amongst others. You will find yourself surrounded by incredible people who understand you.