As an introduction, I am Heidi Files. I have served with Share Parents of Utah for many years. I currently serve as the Secretary and work closely with Melannie, Jaymie and Adam. I look forward to continuing to serve and support, with friendship and love, all those facing the heartache of loss. My hope is to help you all find your own tender mercies.
Little did I know, not a sound would I ever hear from our sweet little princess.
I was very busy with three boys and all the last minute preparations to bring home our first daughter. I was not feeling well and by late afternoon on Friday, January 15th, I realized that her movement had lessened since lunchtime. I shared my concern with my husband and he offered to take me in to get checked. I declined and suggested we go home and get everyone settled into bed and then I would take a bath. Looking back on it, somewhere in my mind I knew she was gone, but denial is a very strong emotion. That evening, I finally made the phone-call in to labor and delivery and they advised me to come in. Because we were a one-car family at that time, I left my husband home to care for the boys and drove myself to the hospital. I kept telling myself, I am sure everything is fine. Even as I changed into a hospital gown, and spoke with the nurse, I would giggle and tell her I was probably overreacting. Deep down, I prayed that she would pick up our daughter's movement. The nurse pulled out the ultrasound machine and started to search for my baby's heartbeat; she was only picking up mine. She had another nurse come in and same thing. They reported that they had brought in an "old ultrasound machine" that just was not working properly and so went on to send orders for a "formal ultrasound machine". I was left alone with my thoughts, panic, and prayers that this was not happening that she really was just fine. Moments, but what seemed like forever later, my Knight in Shining Armor (my doctor) came in with the better ultrasound machine. I knew my doctor would make everything better. I trusted him. Just his presence put my mind at ease. As my baby's little body appeared on screen my Knight showed me where her heart was. It was no longer beating. Immediately, I sank deep into a place in my mind where all this was just a really, really, really bad dream, and soon I would awaken from this nightmare, in my own bed in my own home. Tragically, that did not happen - it was not a nightmare - it was real. I fell into the nurses arms in tears. I remember my doctor telling me he was sorry and expressing other un-recallable words of love and kindness. I asked my doctor to call my husband for me. I simply could not make the call.